I admit that I’m wrong, even often enough, whether I do it through actions or words. Lately, it has happened through words. But you surely wonder what it means to be wrong and probably to whom. Well to Sara, to Gabriela (for she will have to “manage” the result now that I’m away for weeks).
Let me explain in more detail, so as to help you in similar situations.
We have talked before about actions woven from the emotion of the past. Whether it is about own fears of moments that are perceived in terms of projected fears, or by interruptions of activities given by automatisms, thus the lack of presence. For example, Sara is playing alone or with her mom, and her father appears from nowhere and interrupts her play, for unfortunately he was so careless and caught up with him that he left the mind to interrupt her action. Or, too often if you ask me, it happens for me to connect to a past event, bring it to the present moment, and interrupt Sara from her actions.
Such disruptions and sudden occurrences, in the play, break the development of the actions and observations Sara makes alone. It is the time of independence for her, and any interruption leads to the loss of the thread, and it can happen with renunciation. Abandonment of “singing” (alone) and implicitly discovery and understanding through own experiences. Professor Colceag evokes this quite often in his conferences and writings.
Words are other ways that bring confusion and excitement in moments that are anyhow loaded into the context. I recently had to leave the country for long periods of time and, unfortunately, quite frequently. It was the first big break in my relationship with Sara (at the three-year-old).
A support in communicating with her during periods of absence came through technology and live video communications. But, caught up in my own thoughts and emotions, it has often happened to me to choose words that bring confusion and excitement. Captured by the absence of connection, we used “there is just a little more” without realizing that for Sara, a little has already a clear meaning (of the minutes’ size). There are many examples, I use “I’m at the door” (that is, at the door of the apartment I used to live in), which makes Sara run away, towards the door of the house, hoping to find her father…And so, by avoiding presence, here and now, we are creating opportunities for less pleasant experiences which need further addressing. The words springing up at the conscious moment have linear flows, they load with the colored joy of the present and reflect what we feel, what the person near us feels. When we lose it in the automatic noise of a mind bombarded with unnecessary information, we are prone to distance. Even distance from ourselves, not just from our interlocutor.
But we come back when we realize how far we risk slipping away from ourselves. When we realize that even the child in us wants communication and connection with the child next to us.